The Santa Clause

It's that time of year again. Snow is falling, evergreen trees are scared for their lives, parents are regretting having children, and numerous reindeer will die in a red-nose transplant surgery gone horribly wrong. CHRISTMAS!
I apologize for the previous paragraph, I just consulted a calendar and found out that Christmas isn't for like eight months. Well I've come too far now, I'm going to run with it.
The Christmas season is great for movies because it's a time when movie studios pump out 90 minutes of anything Christmas-related then market the hell out of it for a couple of weeks so kids yell and scream at their parents to take them to see it. But this is more of a recent trend. Back in the good ol' days there weren't a superfluous amount Christmas movies. There was no Deck the Halls and Christmas with the Kranks (Not Tim Allen's best Christmas movie) in the mid-1990s.
To my knowledge (which isn't saying a whole lot) there weren't many Christmas blockbusters before The Santa Clause in 1994 (I guess Home Alone falls under the category too). The movie grossed over $189 million when it was released. Although, this was at the time when Tim Allen was the Tool Man and one of the most popular television actors ever.
People wanted to see the Tool Man in a fat suit- plain and simple. But not just any fat suit, a fat suit designed to look like Santa Claus.
In the creatively titled movie The Santa Clause, Tim Allen becomes Santa Claus. He has just gone through a messy divorce and is growing apart from his son. But then the real Santa Claus takes a spill while on the Tool Man's roof, so now he has to finish the job.
But wait, he's not going to know how to drive the sled!
That's what's so funny about! HAHA
The Tool Man is in fairly good shape though. How can he match Santa's famous gut?
He magically gains weight of course. That's what happens in these situations.
I refuse to believe that he can grow a white beard like Santa's. There's no way!
Wrong again! The Tool Man grows a beard at a rapid pace. Plus his beard makes him look so manly that the Brawny Man quivers in fear every time they see each other.
But won't all of these mysterious changes negatively affect the Tool Man's performance at work?
They sure will. But that's just part of the fun. Ruining a man's career is always a good thing.
The Tool Man tries to put all the craziness on the back-burner when his wife threatens to take full custody over their son. He tries to explain to her that he is Santa Claus and cannot control what was happening. I can't believe she didn't believe him.
Of course, in the end the Tool Man still gets to see his son, and he saves Christmas in the process. Then the Tool Man does what he does best, grunt!

*This will by my last post of the semester. Hopefully it won't be the last post ever.

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie

Oh no! There's trouble in Angel Grove once again. Who will save us?!
If only there were six semi-culturally diverse teenagers who have exceptional martial arts skills and an unlimited amount of resources who can come to our aid.
Well, even though that was an incredibly specific wish I just asked for, it seems to have been granted in the form of six teenagers. However, these are no ordinary teens. They're not wearing braces and getting embarrassed because their voices keeps cracking. These teens have the toughness to make Schwarzenagger (circa 1988) look like a frightened child, and have the looks to make A.C. Slater (circa 1989-present) look like an ugly frightened child. That saying, "If looks could kill" does not apply to them, simply because they don't need their looks to kill. Their fists and feet will handle all of the untimely deaths a person could hope for.
The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers are the total package. And in the appropriately named film, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie, they prove why. The movie begins with a charity skydiving scene in which the Rangers jump out of a plane and entertain the large crowd on the ground. You know, normal things for people who aren't old enough to vote to be doing.
But then something happens that is not very normal...a giant egg is unearthed and no one knows what's inside. The egg is appropriately guarded by two men who appear to not have graduated elementary school, and roped off with a strand of caution tape. How could anyone possibly get to that egg?
Well of course Lord Zedd and Rita Repulsa quickly knock out the guards and crack open the egg. They even bring along their faithful companions, Porky Pig and Blue Wolf Man. Zedd dramatically cracks open the egg, and the evilest s.o.b. this world has ever seen pops out: Ivan Ooze. Ivan sniffs around and smells something odd...teenagers! A battle quickly ensues.
We come to learn that Ivan once tried to enslave the entire universe 6,000 years ago, but was stopped by Zordon (who just so happens to employ the Power Rangers). Ivan is your stereotypical villain: purple, alien-like face, and the ability to turn into ooze. He also has plenty of classic lines throughout the film, in addition to a fantastic wizard costume.
The movie kicks into full gear when Ivan penetrates the Ranger's home base (or whatever they call it) and nearly kills Zordon. The Rangers travel to an island and encounter bird men, and deadly dinosaur skeletons, but they also get new powers.
Ivan makes every adult into a zombie by manufacturing, promoting and selling his ooze. I'm sure he could of had a very honest and successful career as a small business owner or low-level product inventor. He probably would have invented the Snuggie years ago.
Then there's a crazy battle at the end, and in a big upset the Rangers defeat Ivan and his cronies and send him packing.
Now they can go back to their charity skydiving events like normal teenagers.

Air Bud

What are the components that make up a fantastic kid's movie?
You will probably guess a talking cowboy, or a lion cub witnessing his father's death. Well I hate to say it, but you're wrong. The recipe for success is simple:

-Adorable child/children
-Underdog sports team
-Adorable pet/animal(s)
-Drunken abusive clown

Notice anything about this list? That's right, the film Air Bud has all of these crucial components. But Air Bud combines all of the elements into a seamless package of children's movie glory.
You have your adorable child/main character as a boy who does not have any friends and is too shy to go out and meet people. The audience can sympathize with Josh because he is visibly sad. Sad children=easy to sympathize with. I think Josh is upset because a wheel on his skateboard fell off. It's either that or because his dad suddenly passed away then his family moved to a different town. I'm not totally positive which one though.
Then you have two of the four elements wrapped into one. The adorable pet (Buddy) is owned by a drunken abusive clown (Drunken Abusive Clown). The D.A.C. uses Buddy as part of his act while he entertains children at birthday parties. At one party Buddy does not bring his A-game, so the D.A.C. locks Buddy in a kennel and drives him to the pound. But luckily for Buddy and the plot of the movie, the kennel falls off the truck and Josh finds his new best friend.
Naturally, Josh discovers that Buddy can ball. I got cut from the 8th grade basketball team but that dog is a basketball her0 for making a 6-foot jump shot? Unacceptable! I don't care if he has hands or not.
So Josh joins the school's basketball team and Buddy becomes the team's mascot/halftime entertainment . And what do ya know, the team starts winning some games. It could be because Josh and Buddy brought a new energy to the squad, or because the team got a new coach. It just so happens that a former NBA player worked in the school as a janitor or something. Arthur Chaney steps in as the new coach and turns the program around.
The reason the team needed a new coach was because Josh caught the old coach repeatedly throwing basketballs at a teammate. Not the most effective coaching method (fast forward to 5:30, and I hope whoever reads this understands Spanish).
Josh's team needs a new player for the championship game so Buddy steps in. I guess the league never made a rule against a golden retriever playing basketball. Of course, Buddy helps the team to a comeback victory- that's the underdog (pun very much intended) sports team element.
Then the D.A.C. comes back to get custody of Buddy, but the court rules that Buddy gets to decide who he will live with. Buddy jumps on the D.A.C. causing him to take a hard fall, then chooses Josh. I guess that dog can stand up for what is right in the world, and hit jump shots. I'm sure Buddy would have made my school's 8th grade basketball team.

Jungle 2 Jungle

"There's something about a teenage boy wearing nothing but a loincloth that just feels right." This may have been one of the many thoughts running through the minds of the creators of Jungle 2 Jungle. I mean how else could they swing a 13(?)-year-old bearing just about everything on the big screen for an hour and 45 minutes?
To be fair, the wardrobe did fit in the context of the movie, but I think that loincloth could have a been a bit bigger. Eh what am I saying, I'm not complaining. Mimi-Siku is strutting his stuff around the streets of New York City and no public indecency laws are going to stop him.
Tim Allen, better known as "The Toolman",needs to go to South America to finalize a divorce with his soon-to-be ex-wife. Toolman is looking to marry another soon-to-be ex-wife back in the good ol' U.S. of A.
But when The Toolman reaches the beaches of South America he is in for a rude awakening. And no, not the type of rude awakening that happens when you find yourself on the roof of a flat bed truck with your feet chained together. Oh, Tuesday. And it's not like this type of rude awakening. Maybe because Toolman is not actually waking up at all and I'm just speaking in a metaphor. Who knows?
Toolman discovers that he has a teenage son who he does not have much in common with. His son, Mimi-Siku, is on the verge of becoming a man by his tribe's standards, but in the Toolman's world, Mimi-Siku is just a kid who could use a pair of blue jeans.
When Mimi completes the rite of passage for his tribe he officially becomes a man. Since The Toolman said he would take Mimi back to New York City with him when he was a man, Mimi thinks that time is now. Miscommunication is fun!
So now the Toolman has to bring back his son to the States, but the thing is that his son does not know anything about U.S. culture. Silly goose. Mimi wants to bring back some of the fire from the Statue of Liberty to his tribe, but he doesn't know that it's not real fire. Duh Mimi-Siku.
He actually climbs out of Lady Liberty's head to get a better look at her torch. I guess they don't have many safety standards in South America. I enjoy this scene because it is so real. He definitely did climb to the top of the Statue of Liberty, no way it's just a sad attempt at using a green screne. (BONUS: That video has some fantastic loincloth shots as well)
There is also a touch a graphic violence in this film that one doesn't see much of in kid's movies. John Rambo who? Everyone loves a good pigeon murder, right?
There is also a classic forbidden love interest for Mimi and plenty of spiders used as weapons. Fun for the whole family to enjoy.

Heavy Weights

The mid-1990s were a good time in this nation's history. The Internet was in its baby stages, our president was not having any secret alone time with interns yet, the Ford Bronco was more famous than ever before and my tee-ball team reached the playoffs. But then something happened that turned everything on its head: Heavy Weights was released nationwide, forever changing the way American people lived their lives.
That's a bit of a stretch you say? Well you're probably right.
Heavy Weights is a fine piece of cinema, but is not on the same level as some of the other movies I've written about. I'm not sure why that is, but it could be because it scared kids who were going to summer camp.
There is an all-star cast headlining this film including the likes of Aaron Schwartz, Shaun Weiss and Tom McGowan. You don't no who any of these people are? Neither does anyone else. That's the problem with movies that star children: they often peak as child actors. It's not everyday that a Ron Howard or Drew Barrymore comes strolling around, it's a rare occurrence.
Perhaps the biggest mystery involving a cast member's career was the guy who played the villain, Tony Perkis. I know his name starts with the letter "B" but that's about it. Wait, I got it: Bruce Stover. I wonder whatever happened to him.
His name is actually Ben Stiller, and his legacy should not be tarnished with such a feeble attempt at humor. Sorry Ben, I'll let you win the next round of golf to make up for it.
Ben plays Tony Perkis who is one mean S.O.B. When Jerry's parents enlist him in fat camp for the summer, he has no idea what he is getting into.
Tony takes over the camp and makes Guantanamo Bay look like a Sunday morning bird watching group. He has the kids doing all sorts of crazy activities, including a hike up a mountain, and cutting out some of their meals.
Tony wants to sell his infomercial to make tons of money, so he needs the boys to lose weight. My favorite scene in the movie is when he weighs each boy individually and does not get the results he wants. Goldberg from The Mighty Ducks cannot seem to shed any lbs.
The campers eventually trap Tony and lock him in some sort of cage. The rest of the staff agrees to keep him locked up and an intense eating binge ensues. The campers then defeat their rivals, Camp MVP in some sort of relay race that ends in a go-kart race for the history books.
Everything ends well for the overweight kids at Camp Hope, and people everywhere have been trying to replicate these dance moves because of it.

Little Giants

"That's it, I'm leaving the country. I'm moving to New Mexico."
This the type of deep and meaningful dialogue that can only be found in a movie with very intricate characters. The type of people who each have their own set of unique fun-loving qualities, with character arcs that make Marlon Brando's and Orson Welles' acting look like the seventh lead in a middle school adaption of Hamlet with a full cast of blind children (I think I may have extended that sentence a little too far).
The Little Giants are your classic underdog story, but with a unique twist of its own. Instead of just having a lowly ragtag bunch of boys playing a group of mean, highly talented machine-children like in most kid's movies, this movie has a different component. One of the lowly ragtag boys isn't a boy at all...she's a girl. WHOA! A revolutionary idea portrayed beautifully on the screen for the first time in the history of civilization. This movie is widely regarded as a trail blazer for numerous movies that followed in its footsteps, including all seven Saw movies, American Pie Presents Band Camp, The Lizzie Mcguire Movie and Midnight Cowboy. Please do not quote me on that list.
Becky "Icebox" O'Shea. Quite possibly the coolest nickname ever. I've always wondered how that name came to be, but I guess some things don't an explanation. The Icebox is the daughter of Danny O'Shea who was recently released from prison after serving time for endangering the welfare of his children by shrinking them. He says it was an accident, but I'm not buying it. Danny's older brother Kevin is a football/car salesman legend in town and also coaches a peewee football team: The Cowboys. When Kevin cuts the Icebox during Cowboys' tryouts because she is a girl, Danny starts his own team and recruits the kids from town who didn't make the Cowboys and/or have learning disabilities.
The two brothers have a sibling rivalry and challenge each other to a game in a couple of weeks. Luckily for Danny, Junior Floyd moves to town and joins the Giants. Junior is a quarterback extraordinaire and looks like a shooting star wrapped in heaven. If Zack Morris and Joe Camel (circa 1992) had a baby he would not be as cool or good looking as Junior Floyd.
But then a new kid moves into town, who makes Junior Floyd look like confused elderly man waiting for the bus. Spike is the stereotypical football jock and looks like he is older than most of the adults in town. Spike joins the Giants but quickly switches to the Cowboys after making it very clear that he does not play with girls.
When the big game is finally upon us, the Icebox decides she's not playing because she wants to be ladylike and impress Junior. Luckily, Danny gives an inspirational speech to get the Giants pumped to play. Spike takes an incredibly illegal cheap shot that knocks Junior out of the game, which enrages the Icebox. She plays the rest of the game in a skirt.
The Giants proceed to score several outlandish touchdowns, including my personal favorite. It's like Johnny was dipped in baby oil and has some sort of force field around him.
And if you didn't see it coming, the Giants pull off the upset of the afternoon by running The Annexation of Puerto Rico for the winning touchdown. Go Giants!

The Sandlot

First off, I should mention something about this entire blog: the title can be misleading. "How Were These Made?" implies that it was a mistake that these movies were in fact, made. But in reality, these movies are imperative to the betterment of society. Having said that, today's entry is the biggest example of a movie directed toward an audience of children that is actually a really solid movie.
The Sandlot may have a plot like most other kid's movies, but it's different than the rest. It has characters that any audience can relate to, a dilemma that most people have found themselves in at one time or another (hiding something from your parents) and it has a step-by-step lesson on the proper way to make smores.
The main character/narrator is a fella by the name of Smalls. He's the new kid in town, and doesn't have much experience in making friends. Well I've got news for you Smalls, Benny 'The Jet' Rodriguez is going to change all that. I'm not really sure who I was talking to in that last sentence, but I'd like to think the fictional character of Smalls will invent the Internet in the 1950s, locate this post and then feel better about seeing it. He's a bright kid.
When Benny asks Smalls to play some baseball at the Sandlot, the rest of Benny's crew is not too pleased with their new left fielder. Early on in the summer, Smalls cannot exactly catch, but once again Benny is there to save the day. He has the ability to hit a baseball directly into Smalls' glove without him having to move an inch, which makes Smalls look good. From early on in the movie you just know that Benny is destined for great things because hitting that ball into the glove of Smalls is nearly impossible, but in the world of kid's movies anything is possible.
The group slowly starts to accept Smalls, and the summer is going great. They play baseball every day, and when it's too hot for baseball they take a trip a the pool. And everyone knows what awaits them at the pool: Wendy Peffercorn!!!!!!!! Sorry for screaming, but I get worked up sometimes. One member of the crew, Squints, has the hots for Wendy, so he takes matters into his own hands to make a move on her. She is older than the boys, and is a lifeguard at the pool. All of the oiling and lotioning can really do a number on a guy.
Then the crew gets challenged to a game by their longtime cross-town rivals who are only in the movie for two scenes. Some of the greatest disses and comebacks this world has ever seen were captured on camera during this scene. Hamilton Porter really brought his A-game.
All of these fun and games are great, but the actual plot of the movie really gets going when Smalls steals his step-dads autographed Babe Ruth baseball to play with. Naturally, Smalls hits a homerun on his first swing and the ball goes into Mr. Mertle's yard. Well that's a quick fix you say, just go knock on his door and he'll get the ball. NOPE. Mr. Mertle is mean, and so is his dog, The Beast. That dog eats people for a living, so the boys can't simply hop the fence and get the ball. After a series of complicated attempts to get the ball fails, Benny decides to hop the fence and outrun The Beast. A crazy chase ensues, that concludes back in the Sandlot, and Benny ends up pickling The Beast. It also turns out that Mr. Mertle is played by Darth Vader, and is a nice blind man who helps Smalls out by giving him a new ball to replace his father's ball.
All ends well in this film. Benny ends up playing for the LA Dodgers and Smalls is the team's radio announcer. What a great summer.