Space Jam

I was not sure which movie to write about this week, but then I received a sign. It's the type of sign that Moses received the when that God fella told him Ten Commandments. Actually, I think the sign I was shown may have more significance on society than the Ten Commandments, but it's too early to tell. My friend was flipping through television channels, and I was deciding on the perfect movie to write about. Then, it happened: We came across Space Jam on cable television. What a glorious occurrence it was.
Here's a fun fact about my relationship to Space Jam, this piece of information could potentially help you out on a game show someday: Space Jam is my favorite movie based on an athlete teaming up with cartoon characters to play basketball against a team of bad aliens who stole the talents of NBA players. It was a close call, but it just edged out To Kill a Mockingbird. The deciding factor was that To Kill a Mockingbird does not have any of those characteristics, upon further inspection.
I can remember back to when I was a kid (okay it was two months ago) and I had a Michael Jordan poster from Space Jam. It gave me the creeps because it was just a huge picture of his face...I always felt like I was being watched. But the only reason why I had that poster was because Space Jam is a film that is second to only about 45,000,000 other films; it's that good.
Bugs and the gang get into trouble when challenged by much smaller aliens in a game of basketball. Little do the Looney Tunes know is that those small aliens will soon be stealing the talents of NBA players. How didn't they see that one coming? So they pull Jordan down a hole on a putting green, and ask him to join their squad. He is tentative, but ultimately agrees.
The Tunes don't play basketball, except for Lola Bunny, who is arguably the most attractive cartoon character since Elmer Fudd. So there's two bunnies in town, and both are single and ready to mingle. It's the Brad and Angelina of Tune Land.
After a lot of Looney practice and such, the big game is upon us. The Tune Squad gets down early, but stages a 40 point comeback in the second half. Quite the Cinderella story. The comeback is due in large part to Michael's Secret Stuff, or as some would call it: water.
So the Monstars, who are owned by Danny Devito, do everything in their power to stop the surging Tune Squad. I'm not sure if there was a ref present during the game, or if it was just the fact that Stevie Wonder was in charge of watching for fouls, but there were not many fouls called. Some may say the Monstars were playing a bit dirty.
In a dramatic conclusion, the Tune Squad calls timeout down one point. Jordan gives a riveting speech where he says, "Give me the ball, and I'll score the winning basket." Great plan, coach. Sure enough, he gets the ball with time to score, and stretches his arm the length of six city buses for the dunk (fast forward to 3:30).
The Tune Squad wins, and the NBA players get their talents back...a good day for cartoon characters and tall people everywhere.

3 Ninjas

I've saved the best movie choice for third. (That's the saying, right?) 3 Ninjas is a film very near and dear to my heart. It even made me want to take up karate for a couple hours. Last spring I named my intramural softball team "Rocky, Colt and Tum Tum" as a tribute to this fine accomplishment in cinema. (Not many people got it though) It's a movie I can still watch with my friends and be entertained by, although normally one or two people are inebriated during the viewing. That still does not hinder this film's genius, it has everything a person could want from a movie based on three small children defeating trained professional ninjas with the help of their elderly grandfather.
Each of the child actors who portrayed Rocky, Colt and Tum Tum really showed their acting chops, and it's safe to say that their performances speak for themselves. I'm pretty sure they make their livings selling knives door-to-door nowadays, but it's an honest profession.
These three brothers are inspired by their grandfather, who is a master ninja, and take up the art of karate while visiting him over the summer. My grandfather just told me to stop kicking the ball in his rose bushes, and these kids were born into Mr. Miyagi's family, what luck.
Naturally, their 107(?) year-old grandfather has enemies, and bad guys don't come any meaner than Snyder. He has a knack for escaping from dozens of FBI agents via helicopter, and even has a giant ship filled with professional ninjas at his disposal. Oh and don't let me forget the fact that he has a ponytail. It's a ponytail that does not take crap from anyone. Don't ask me why, because I don't make the rules, it just does.
Rocky, the oldest of the child ninjas, has a steamy relationship with Emily, the boys' neighbor and schoolmate. When some bullies at school steal Emily's bike, Rocky makes sure to get it back any way possible. So the logical approach is to challenge the bullies to a pickup basketball game. That's how most issues are resolved in this country. Oh, and despite the fact that Rocky is 4'6'', he can dunk. Don't believe me? I'll prove it (fast forward to the end if you don't want to watch the whole thing).
The best part of this film has to be the three hired kidnappers who can't seem to catch the three child ninjas. The kidnappers break into the kid's home, and chaos ensues. I simply cannot do the sequence justice in words, so check it out if you have some time.
The movie concludes with a dramatic battle aboard Snyder's ship that apparently cannot be found by the FBI despite the fact that they are avidly searching for him. The boys have been taken aboard, and now must fight their way off...shouldn't be too difficult. The three ninjas escape from their holding cell with relative ease, then begin dismantling the dozens of trained ninjas aboard the ship.
Their grandfather sneaks aboard to help the situation, and not must fight Snyder in a very dramatic and most importantly, realistic fight scene.
Spoiler Alert: Grandpa wins.
When I have children this movie will be the first one s/he sees, and hopefully my unborn child will be as motivated as I once was to take up karate for a few hours.

Home Alone 2

Just when you think those silly McCallisters couldn't possibly lose their ten-year-old son again, they make sure not to. Instead they go and lose their 11-year-old son a year later. But this time is not like the previous year, when little Kevin was merely left "home alone" and had to fend off two criminals with the help of a creepy old man and his shovel. This Christmas Kevin is lost in the Big Apple, and finds himself in another sticky situation, and gets himself out of it in a similar situation.

Before I get into the actual plot of Home Alone 2, let's take a look at the story lines for the first two Home Alone movies.
Story line in black, Home Alone in blue, Home Alone 2 in red:

Boy:Kevin McCallister,Kevin McCallister

Loses parents:Left at home,Got on wrong plane

Two dumb criminals:Marv and Harry,Marv and Harry

Older person who boy befriends:Marley:neighbor,Pigeon Lady

Boy's amazing resourcefulness:Rigs house,Rigs Uncle’s house

New friend saves day:Marley hits criminals with shovel,Pigeon Lady throws seed

Boy's reunion with family: Mom comes through front door,Family comes to NYC

The story lines are quite similar, but I guess if I wrote a movie that grossed over $264 million the first time around I probably wouldn't change too much of the story either.

What I love most about this movie is the sheer incompetence of everyone involved. A boy gets on a different plane than his parents- okay I can buy it. But that same boy navigates his way through New York City and is able to book a hotel?- okay fine I can still buy it. One thing I'm not buying is Macaulay Culkin's ability to come up with these elaborate lies, then have Tim Curry, Rob Schneider and the rest of the staff believe him. I can't knock on it too much because I find myself still laughing at this scene every time I watch- is it possible for a group of adults to be this dumb? I hope so.

My favorite thing to do when watching this movie is count the times Harry and Marv would have died if these things actually happened to them. I always seem to lose count somewhere around nine. Marv gets hit in the face four separate times by bricks tossed from a three-story building. Don't worry, he's still good to go.

But the best scene involving Marv and certain death situations has to be when he tries to wash his face off. Daniel Stern can really hit those high notes.

Is it bad that I find myself laughing as I watch those clips? Probably.

The best relationship in cinematic history may be Kevin's sudden friendship with the Pigeon Lady. She is incredibly creepy, yet also a person you would like to catch a movie with. I'm not quite sure how she lives inside Carnegie Hall without anyone knowing, but I'm not asking questions there. Of course, Kevin can see through her odd lifestyle and most likely her hair-raising odor, and just accept her for the good person she is. Every 11-year-old should talk to more strangers!

This movie may be more absurd the more I look into it, but it also ages like a fine wine. With comedy like this how could anyone find Home Alone 2 anything less than genius.

D2: The Mighty Ducks

Everyone and their grandmother knows that The Mighty Ducks was one of, if not the biggest Oscar snub of all time. Emilio Estevez loses "Best Actor in a Motion Picture" to Al Pacino? I mean come on Academy, what has Al Pacino ever done in the world on cinema?
But enough about this travesty, D2: The Mighty Ducks rewarded Duck fans much more than a silly gold statue ever could. In this chapter of the trilogy, the Ducks-a lowly pee-wee hockey team in Minnesota- get asked to represent the United States of America in the upcoming Junior Olympics. If I had a nickel for every time I got asked to represent my country in the Olympics...
In all seriousness though, it seems as if the writer of D2-Steven Brill- accidentally drank his body weight in tequila while writing this script. That or he completely forgot when his deadline was, and stayed up all night writing whatever came into his head. These are the only two credible ways I can think of how this movie came to be. I know the first one did pretty well at the box office, but this storyline is borderline unacceptable.
So you have a group of eight kids from Minnesota- most of who could barely skate in the first movie- who will now be playing in the Junior Olympics. The Ducks do get some colorful new teammates, each with their own unique skill sets, to make them a better team, and more fun to watch.
There is also the birth of the "Bash Brothers" in D2. Fulton Reed and Dean Portman are the Duck's peanut butter and jelly. These two big and brazen teenagers look like they're at least five years older than the other kids on the team, but they don't check birth certificates in the Junior Olympics, so no worries there.
Of course, there must be a villain in the movie, which in this case is the team from Iceland, and their coach, Wolf "The Dentist" Stansson. I always wondered how Iceland was decided on as the villainous nation. I've done some research (thanks Wikipedia!) and have realized that the nation of Iceland have never even played the U.S. team in men's hockey, let alone not have a single player in the NHL who was born in Iceland.
One of my favor scenes in the history of cinema has to be when Wolf squares off against Coach Bombay (Estevez) in front of the kids from each teams. If you've never seen the movie, do yourself a favor and check it out (fast forward to the 1:00 mark).
At the end of the movie, Iceland's best player, Gunnar Stahl, goes up against the Ducks' goalie, Julie "The Cat" Gaffney in a shootout with the gold medal on the line. Some how Coach Bombay knows what Stahl's move is going to be and tells Gaffney to bank on the triple deke to the glove side. Sure enough Stahl triple dekes and shots into Gaffeny's glove...a really suspenseful sequence.
Despite my noticeable hatred for this movie, I love it more than any reasonable human should. I mean what's not to love about this. I can't even get started on the knuckle-puck or my head might explode.