The Santa Clause

It's that time of year again. Snow is falling, evergreen trees are scared for their lives, parents are regretting having children, and numerous reindeer will die in a red-nose transplant surgery gone horribly wrong. CHRISTMAS!
I apologize for the previous paragraph, I just consulted a calendar and found out that Christmas isn't for like eight months. Well I've come too far now, I'm going to run with it.
The Christmas season is great for movies because it's a time when movie studios pump out 90 minutes of anything Christmas-related then market the hell out of it for a couple of weeks so kids yell and scream at their parents to take them to see it. But this is more of a recent trend. Back in the good ol' days there weren't a superfluous amount Christmas movies. There was no Deck the Halls and Christmas with the Kranks (Not Tim Allen's best Christmas movie) in the mid-1990s.
To my knowledge (which isn't saying a whole lot) there weren't many Christmas blockbusters before The Santa Clause in 1994 (I guess Home Alone falls under the category too). The movie grossed over $189 million when it was released. Although, this was at the time when Tim Allen was the Tool Man and one of the most popular television actors ever.
People wanted to see the Tool Man in a fat suit- plain and simple. But not just any fat suit, a fat suit designed to look like Santa Claus.
In the creatively titled movie The Santa Clause, Tim Allen becomes Santa Claus. He has just gone through a messy divorce and is growing apart from his son. But then the real Santa Claus takes a spill while on the Tool Man's roof, so now he has to finish the job.
But wait, he's not going to know how to drive the sled!
That's what's so funny about! HAHA
The Tool Man is in fairly good shape though. How can he match Santa's famous gut?
He magically gains weight of course. That's what happens in these situations.
I refuse to believe that he can grow a white beard like Santa's. There's no way!
Wrong again! The Tool Man grows a beard at a rapid pace. Plus his beard makes him look so manly that the Brawny Man quivers in fear every time they see each other.
But won't all of these mysterious changes negatively affect the Tool Man's performance at work?
They sure will. But that's just part of the fun. Ruining a man's career is always a good thing.
The Tool Man tries to put all the craziness on the back-burner when his wife threatens to take full custody over their son. He tries to explain to her that he is Santa Claus and cannot control what was happening. I can't believe she didn't believe him.
Of course, in the end the Tool Man still gets to see his son, and he saves Christmas in the process. Then the Tool Man does what he does best, grunt!

*This will by my last post of the semester. Hopefully it won't be the last post ever.

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie

Oh no! There's trouble in Angel Grove once again. Who will save us?!
If only there were six semi-culturally diverse teenagers who have exceptional martial arts skills and an unlimited amount of resources who can come to our aid.
Well, even though that was an incredibly specific wish I just asked for, it seems to have been granted in the form of six teenagers. However, these are no ordinary teens. They're not wearing braces and getting embarrassed because their voices keeps cracking. These teens have the toughness to make Schwarzenagger (circa 1988) look like a frightened child, and have the looks to make A.C. Slater (circa 1989-present) look like an ugly frightened child. That saying, "If looks could kill" does not apply to them, simply because they don't need their looks to kill. Their fists and feet will handle all of the untimely deaths a person could hope for.
The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers are the total package. And in the appropriately named film, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie, they prove why. The movie begins with a charity skydiving scene in which the Rangers jump out of a plane and entertain the large crowd on the ground. You know, normal things for people who aren't old enough to vote to be doing.
But then something happens that is not very normal...a giant egg is unearthed and no one knows what's inside. The egg is appropriately guarded by two men who appear to not have graduated elementary school, and roped off with a strand of caution tape. How could anyone possibly get to that egg?
Well of course Lord Zedd and Rita Repulsa quickly knock out the guards and crack open the egg. They even bring along their faithful companions, Porky Pig and Blue Wolf Man. Zedd dramatically cracks open the egg, and the evilest s.o.b. this world has ever seen pops out: Ivan Ooze. Ivan sniffs around and smells something odd...teenagers! A battle quickly ensues.
We come to learn that Ivan once tried to enslave the entire universe 6,000 years ago, but was stopped by Zordon (who just so happens to employ the Power Rangers). Ivan is your stereotypical villain: purple, alien-like face, and the ability to turn into ooze. He also has plenty of classic lines throughout the film, in addition to a fantastic wizard costume.
The movie kicks into full gear when Ivan penetrates the Ranger's home base (or whatever they call it) and nearly kills Zordon. The Rangers travel to an island and encounter bird men, and deadly dinosaur skeletons, but they also get new powers.
Ivan makes every adult into a zombie by manufacturing, promoting and selling his ooze. I'm sure he could of had a very honest and successful career as a small business owner or low-level product inventor. He probably would have invented the Snuggie years ago.
Then there's a crazy battle at the end, and in a big upset the Rangers defeat Ivan and his cronies and send him packing.
Now they can go back to their charity skydiving events like normal teenagers.

Air Bud

What are the components that make up a fantastic kid's movie?
You will probably guess a talking cowboy, or a lion cub witnessing his father's death. Well I hate to say it, but you're wrong. The recipe for success is simple:

-Adorable child/children
-Underdog sports team
-Adorable pet/animal(s)
-Drunken abusive clown

Notice anything about this list? That's right, the film Air Bud has all of these crucial components. But Air Bud combines all of the elements into a seamless package of children's movie glory.
You have your adorable child/main character as a boy who does not have any friends and is too shy to go out and meet people. The audience can sympathize with Josh because he is visibly sad. Sad children=easy to sympathize with. I think Josh is upset because a wheel on his skateboard fell off. It's either that or because his dad suddenly passed away then his family moved to a different town. I'm not totally positive which one though.
Then you have two of the four elements wrapped into one. The adorable pet (Buddy) is owned by a drunken abusive clown (Drunken Abusive Clown). The D.A.C. uses Buddy as part of his act while he entertains children at birthday parties. At one party Buddy does not bring his A-game, so the D.A.C. locks Buddy in a kennel and drives him to the pound. But luckily for Buddy and the plot of the movie, the kennel falls off the truck and Josh finds his new best friend.
Naturally, Josh discovers that Buddy can ball. I got cut from the 8th grade basketball team but that dog is a basketball her0 for making a 6-foot jump shot? Unacceptable! I don't care if he has hands or not.
So Josh joins the school's basketball team and Buddy becomes the team's mascot/halftime entertainment . And what do ya know, the team starts winning some games. It could be because Josh and Buddy brought a new energy to the squad, or because the team got a new coach. It just so happens that a former NBA player worked in the school as a janitor or something. Arthur Chaney steps in as the new coach and turns the program around.
The reason the team needed a new coach was because Josh caught the old coach repeatedly throwing basketballs at a teammate. Not the most effective coaching method (fast forward to 5:30, and I hope whoever reads this understands Spanish).
Josh's team needs a new player for the championship game so Buddy steps in. I guess the league never made a rule against a golden retriever playing basketball. Of course, Buddy helps the team to a comeback victory- that's the underdog (pun very much intended) sports team element.
Then the D.A.C. comes back to get custody of Buddy, but the court rules that Buddy gets to decide who he will live with. Buddy jumps on the D.A.C. causing him to take a hard fall, then chooses Josh. I guess that dog can stand up for what is right in the world, and hit jump shots. I'm sure Buddy would have made my school's 8th grade basketball team.

Jungle 2 Jungle

"There's something about a teenage boy wearing nothing but a loincloth that just feels right." This may have been one of the many thoughts running through the minds of the creators of Jungle 2 Jungle. I mean how else could they swing a 13(?)-year-old bearing just about everything on the big screen for an hour and 45 minutes?
To be fair, the wardrobe did fit in the context of the movie, but I think that loincloth could have a been a bit bigger. Eh what am I saying, I'm not complaining. Mimi-Siku is strutting his stuff around the streets of New York City and no public indecency laws are going to stop him.
Tim Allen, better known as "The Toolman",needs to go to South America to finalize a divorce with his soon-to-be ex-wife. Toolman is looking to marry another soon-to-be ex-wife back in the good ol' U.S. of A.
But when The Toolman reaches the beaches of South America he is in for a rude awakening. And no, not the type of rude awakening that happens when you find yourself on the roof of a flat bed truck with your feet chained together. Oh, Tuesday. And it's not like this type of rude awakening. Maybe because Toolman is not actually waking up at all and I'm just speaking in a metaphor. Who knows?
Toolman discovers that he has a teenage son who he does not have much in common with. His son, Mimi-Siku, is on the verge of becoming a man by his tribe's standards, but in the Toolman's world, Mimi-Siku is just a kid who could use a pair of blue jeans.
When Mimi completes the rite of passage for his tribe he officially becomes a man. Since The Toolman said he would take Mimi back to New York City with him when he was a man, Mimi thinks that time is now. Miscommunication is fun!
So now the Toolman has to bring back his son to the States, but the thing is that his son does not know anything about U.S. culture. Silly goose. Mimi wants to bring back some of the fire from the Statue of Liberty to his tribe, but he doesn't know that it's not real fire. Duh Mimi-Siku.
He actually climbs out of Lady Liberty's head to get a better look at her torch. I guess they don't have many safety standards in South America. I enjoy this scene because it is so real. He definitely did climb to the top of the Statue of Liberty, no way it's just a sad attempt at using a green screne. (BONUS: That video has some fantastic loincloth shots as well)
There is also a touch a graphic violence in this film that one doesn't see much of in kid's movies. John Rambo who? Everyone loves a good pigeon murder, right?
There is also a classic forbidden love interest for Mimi and plenty of spiders used as weapons. Fun for the whole family to enjoy.

Heavy Weights

The mid-1990s were a good time in this nation's history. The Internet was in its baby stages, our president was not having any secret alone time with interns yet, the Ford Bronco was more famous than ever before and my tee-ball team reached the playoffs. But then something happened that turned everything on its head: Heavy Weights was released nationwide, forever changing the way American people lived their lives.
That's a bit of a stretch you say? Well you're probably right.
Heavy Weights is a fine piece of cinema, but is not on the same level as some of the other movies I've written about. I'm not sure why that is, but it could be because it scared kids who were going to summer camp.
There is an all-star cast headlining this film including the likes of Aaron Schwartz, Shaun Weiss and Tom McGowan. You don't no who any of these people are? Neither does anyone else. That's the problem with movies that star children: they often peak as child actors. It's not everyday that a Ron Howard or Drew Barrymore comes strolling around, it's a rare occurrence.
Perhaps the biggest mystery involving a cast member's career was the guy who played the villain, Tony Perkis. I know his name starts with the letter "B" but that's about it. Wait, I got it: Bruce Stover. I wonder whatever happened to him.
His name is actually Ben Stiller, and his legacy should not be tarnished with such a feeble attempt at humor. Sorry Ben, I'll let you win the next round of golf to make up for it.
Ben plays Tony Perkis who is one mean S.O.B. When Jerry's parents enlist him in fat camp for the summer, he has no idea what he is getting into.
Tony takes over the camp and makes Guantanamo Bay look like a Sunday morning bird watching group. He has the kids doing all sorts of crazy activities, including a hike up a mountain, and cutting out some of their meals.
Tony wants to sell his infomercial to make tons of money, so he needs the boys to lose weight. My favorite scene in the movie is when he weighs each boy individually and does not get the results he wants. Goldberg from The Mighty Ducks cannot seem to shed any lbs.
The campers eventually trap Tony and lock him in some sort of cage. The rest of the staff agrees to keep him locked up and an intense eating binge ensues. The campers then defeat their rivals, Camp MVP in some sort of relay race that ends in a go-kart race for the history books.
Everything ends well for the overweight kids at Camp Hope, and people everywhere have been trying to replicate these dance moves because of it.

Little Giants

"That's it, I'm leaving the country. I'm moving to New Mexico."
This the type of deep and meaningful dialogue that can only be found in a movie with very intricate characters. The type of people who each have their own set of unique fun-loving qualities, with character arcs that make Marlon Brando's and Orson Welles' acting look like the seventh lead in a middle school adaption of Hamlet with a full cast of blind children (I think I may have extended that sentence a little too far).
The Little Giants are your classic underdog story, but with a unique twist of its own. Instead of just having a lowly ragtag bunch of boys playing a group of mean, highly talented machine-children like in most kid's movies, this movie has a different component. One of the lowly ragtag boys isn't a boy at all...she's a girl. WHOA! A revolutionary idea portrayed beautifully on the screen for the first time in the history of civilization. This movie is widely regarded as a trail blazer for numerous movies that followed in its footsteps, including all seven Saw movies, American Pie Presents Band Camp, The Lizzie Mcguire Movie and Midnight Cowboy. Please do not quote me on that list.
Becky "Icebox" O'Shea. Quite possibly the coolest nickname ever. I've always wondered how that name came to be, but I guess some things don't an explanation. The Icebox is the daughter of Danny O'Shea who was recently released from prison after serving time for endangering the welfare of his children by shrinking them. He says it was an accident, but I'm not buying it. Danny's older brother Kevin is a football/car salesman legend in town and also coaches a peewee football team: The Cowboys. When Kevin cuts the Icebox during Cowboys' tryouts because she is a girl, Danny starts his own team and recruits the kids from town who didn't make the Cowboys and/or have learning disabilities.
The two brothers have a sibling rivalry and challenge each other to a game in a couple of weeks. Luckily for Danny, Junior Floyd moves to town and joins the Giants. Junior is a quarterback extraordinaire and looks like a shooting star wrapped in heaven. If Zack Morris and Joe Camel (circa 1992) had a baby he would not be as cool or good looking as Junior Floyd.
But then a new kid moves into town, who makes Junior Floyd look like confused elderly man waiting for the bus. Spike is the stereotypical football jock and looks like he is older than most of the adults in town. Spike joins the Giants but quickly switches to the Cowboys after making it very clear that he does not play with girls.
When the big game is finally upon us, the Icebox decides she's not playing because she wants to be ladylike and impress Junior. Luckily, Danny gives an inspirational speech to get the Giants pumped to play. Spike takes an incredibly illegal cheap shot that knocks Junior out of the game, which enrages the Icebox. She plays the rest of the game in a skirt.
The Giants proceed to score several outlandish touchdowns, including my personal favorite. It's like Johnny was dipped in baby oil and has some sort of force field around him.
And if you didn't see it coming, the Giants pull off the upset of the afternoon by running The Annexation of Puerto Rico for the winning touchdown. Go Giants!

The Sandlot

First off, I should mention something about this entire blog: the title can be misleading. "How Were These Made?" implies that it was a mistake that these movies were in fact, made. But in reality, these movies are imperative to the betterment of society. Having said that, today's entry is the biggest example of a movie directed toward an audience of children that is actually a really solid movie.
The Sandlot may have a plot like most other kid's movies, but it's different than the rest. It has characters that any audience can relate to, a dilemma that most people have found themselves in at one time or another (hiding something from your parents) and it has a step-by-step lesson on the proper way to make smores.
The main character/narrator is a fella by the name of Smalls. He's the new kid in town, and doesn't have much experience in making friends. Well I've got news for you Smalls, Benny 'The Jet' Rodriguez is going to change all that. I'm not really sure who I was talking to in that last sentence, but I'd like to think the fictional character of Smalls will invent the Internet in the 1950s, locate this post and then feel better about seeing it. He's a bright kid.
When Benny asks Smalls to play some baseball at the Sandlot, the rest of Benny's crew is not too pleased with their new left fielder. Early on in the summer, Smalls cannot exactly catch, but once again Benny is there to save the day. He has the ability to hit a baseball directly into Smalls' glove without him having to move an inch, which makes Smalls look good. From early on in the movie you just know that Benny is destined for great things because hitting that ball into the glove of Smalls is nearly impossible, but in the world of kid's movies anything is possible.
The group slowly starts to accept Smalls, and the summer is going great. They play baseball every day, and when it's too hot for baseball they take a trip a the pool. And everyone knows what awaits them at the pool: Wendy Peffercorn!!!!!!!! Sorry for screaming, but I get worked up sometimes. One member of the crew, Squints, has the hots for Wendy, so he takes matters into his own hands to make a move on her. She is older than the boys, and is a lifeguard at the pool. All of the oiling and lotioning can really do a number on a guy.
Then the crew gets challenged to a game by their longtime cross-town rivals who are only in the movie for two scenes. Some of the greatest disses and comebacks this world has ever seen were captured on camera during this scene. Hamilton Porter really brought his A-game.
All of these fun and games are great, but the actual plot of the movie really gets going when Smalls steals his step-dads autographed Babe Ruth baseball to play with. Naturally, Smalls hits a homerun on his first swing and the ball goes into Mr. Mertle's yard. Well that's a quick fix you say, just go knock on his door and he'll get the ball. NOPE. Mr. Mertle is mean, and so is his dog, The Beast. That dog eats people for a living, so the boys can't simply hop the fence and get the ball. After a series of complicated attempts to get the ball fails, Benny decides to hop the fence and outrun The Beast. A crazy chase ensues, that concludes back in the Sandlot, and Benny ends up pickling The Beast. It also turns out that Mr. Mertle is played by Darth Vader, and is a nice blind man who helps Smalls out by giving him a new ball to replace his father's ball.
All ends well in this film. Benny ends up playing for the LA Dodgers and Smalls is the team's radio announcer. What a great summer.

Space Jam

I was not sure which movie to write about this week, but then I received a sign. It's the type of sign that Moses received the when that God fella told him Ten Commandments. Actually, I think the sign I was shown may have more significance on society than the Ten Commandments, but it's too early to tell. My friend was flipping through television channels, and I was deciding on the perfect movie to write about. Then, it happened: We came across Space Jam on cable television. What a glorious occurrence it was.
Here's a fun fact about my relationship to Space Jam, this piece of information could potentially help you out on a game show someday: Space Jam is my favorite movie based on an athlete teaming up with cartoon characters to play basketball against a team of bad aliens who stole the talents of NBA players. It was a close call, but it just edged out To Kill a Mockingbird. The deciding factor was that To Kill a Mockingbird does not have any of those characteristics, upon further inspection.
I can remember back to when I was a kid (okay it was two months ago) and I had a Michael Jordan poster from Space Jam. It gave me the creeps because it was just a huge picture of his face...I always felt like I was being watched. But the only reason why I had that poster was because Space Jam is a film that is second to only about 45,000,000 other films; it's that good.
Bugs and the gang get into trouble when challenged by much smaller aliens in a game of basketball. Little do the Looney Tunes know is that those small aliens will soon be stealing the talents of NBA players. How didn't they see that one coming? So they pull Jordan down a hole on a putting green, and ask him to join their squad. He is tentative, but ultimately agrees.
The Tunes don't play basketball, except for Lola Bunny, who is arguably the most attractive cartoon character since Elmer Fudd. So there's two bunnies in town, and both are single and ready to mingle. It's the Brad and Angelina of Tune Land.
After a lot of Looney practice and such, the big game is upon us. The Tune Squad gets down early, but stages a 40 point comeback in the second half. Quite the Cinderella story. The comeback is due in large part to Michael's Secret Stuff, or as some would call it: water.
So the Monstars, who are owned by Danny Devito, do everything in their power to stop the surging Tune Squad. I'm not sure if there was a ref present during the game, or if it was just the fact that Stevie Wonder was in charge of watching for fouls, but there were not many fouls called. Some may say the Monstars were playing a bit dirty.
In a dramatic conclusion, the Tune Squad calls timeout down one point. Jordan gives a riveting speech where he says, "Give me the ball, and I'll score the winning basket." Great plan, coach. Sure enough, he gets the ball with time to score, and stretches his arm the length of six city buses for the dunk (fast forward to 3:30).
The Tune Squad wins, and the NBA players get their talents back...a good day for cartoon characters and tall people everywhere.

3 Ninjas

I've saved the best movie choice for third. (That's the saying, right?) 3 Ninjas is a film very near and dear to my heart. It even made me want to take up karate for a couple hours. Last spring I named my intramural softball team "Rocky, Colt and Tum Tum" as a tribute to this fine accomplishment in cinema. (Not many people got it though) It's a movie I can still watch with my friends and be entertained by, although normally one or two people are inebriated during the viewing. That still does not hinder this film's genius, it has everything a person could want from a movie based on three small children defeating trained professional ninjas with the help of their elderly grandfather.
Each of the child actors who portrayed Rocky, Colt and Tum Tum really showed their acting chops, and it's safe to say that their performances speak for themselves. I'm pretty sure they make their livings selling knives door-to-door nowadays, but it's an honest profession.
These three brothers are inspired by their grandfather, who is a master ninja, and take up the art of karate while visiting him over the summer. My grandfather just told me to stop kicking the ball in his rose bushes, and these kids were born into Mr. Miyagi's family, what luck.
Naturally, their 107(?) year-old grandfather has enemies, and bad guys don't come any meaner than Snyder. He has a knack for escaping from dozens of FBI agents via helicopter, and even has a giant ship filled with professional ninjas at his disposal. Oh and don't let me forget the fact that he has a ponytail. It's a ponytail that does not take crap from anyone. Don't ask me why, because I don't make the rules, it just does.
Rocky, the oldest of the child ninjas, has a steamy relationship with Emily, the boys' neighbor and schoolmate. When some bullies at school steal Emily's bike, Rocky makes sure to get it back any way possible. So the logical approach is to challenge the bullies to a pickup basketball game. That's how most issues are resolved in this country. Oh, and despite the fact that Rocky is 4'6'', he can dunk. Don't believe me? I'll prove it (fast forward to the end if you don't want to watch the whole thing).
The best part of this film has to be the three hired kidnappers who can't seem to catch the three child ninjas. The kidnappers break into the kid's home, and chaos ensues. I simply cannot do the sequence justice in words, so check it out if you have some time.
The movie concludes with a dramatic battle aboard Snyder's ship that apparently cannot be found by the FBI despite the fact that they are avidly searching for him. The boys have been taken aboard, and now must fight their way off...shouldn't be too difficult. The three ninjas escape from their holding cell with relative ease, then begin dismantling the dozens of trained ninjas aboard the ship.
Their grandfather sneaks aboard to help the situation, and not must fight Snyder in a very dramatic and most importantly, realistic fight scene.
Spoiler Alert: Grandpa wins.
When I have children this movie will be the first one s/he sees, and hopefully my unborn child will be as motivated as I once was to take up karate for a few hours.

Home Alone 2

Just when you think those silly McCallisters couldn't possibly lose their ten-year-old son again, they make sure not to. Instead they go and lose their 11-year-old son a year later. But this time is not like the previous year, when little Kevin was merely left "home alone" and had to fend off two criminals with the help of a creepy old man and his shovel. This Christmas Kevin is lost in the Big Apple, and finds himself in another sticky situation, and gets himself out of it in a similar situation.

Before I get into the actual plot of Home Alone 2, let's take a look at the story lines for the first two Home Alone movies.
Story line in black, Home Alone in blue, Home Alone 2 in red:

Boy:Kevin McCallister,Kevin McCallister

Loses parents:Left at home,Got on wrong plane

Two dumb criminals:Marv and Harry,Marv and Harry

Older person who boy befriends:Marley:neighbor,Pigeon Lady

Boy's amazing resourcefulness:Rigs house,Rigs Uncle’s house

New friend saves day:Marley hits criminals with shovel,Pigeon Lady throws seed

Boy's reunion with family: Mom comes through front door,Family comes to NYC

The story lines are quite similar, but I guess if I wrote a movie that grossed over $264 million the first time around I probably wouldn't change too much of the story either.

What I love most about this movie is the sheer incompetence of everyone involved. A boy gets on a different plane than his parents- okay I can buy it. But that same boy navigates his way through New York City and is able to book a hotel?- okay fine I can still buy it. One thing I'm not buying is Macaulay Culkin's ability to come up with these elaborate lies, then have Tim Curry, Rob Schneider and the rest of the staff believe him. I can't knock on it too much because I find myself still laughing at this scene every time I watch- is it possible for a group of adults to be this dumb? I hope so.

My favorite thing to do when watching this movie is count the times Harry and Marv would have died if these things actually happened to them. I always seem to lose count somewhere around nine. Marv gets hit in the face four separate times by bricks tossed from a three-story building. Don't worry, he's still good to go.

But the best scene involving Marv and certain death situations has to be when he tries to wash his face off. Daniel Stern can really hit those high notes.

Is it bad that I find myself laughing as I watch those clips? Probably.

The best relationship in cinematic history may be Kevin's sudden friendship with the Pigeon Lady. She is incredibly creepy, yet also a person you would like to catch a movie with. I'm not quite sure how she lives inside Carnegie Hall without anyone knowing, but I'm not asking questions there. Of course, Kevin can see through her odd lifestyle and most likely her hair-raising odor, and just accept her for the good person she is. Every 11-year-old should talk to more strangers!

This movie may be more absurd the more I look into it, but it also ages like a fine wine. With comedy like this how could anyone find Home Alone 2 anything less than genius.

D2: The Mighty Ducks

Everyone and their grandmother knows that The Mighty Ducks was one of, if not the biggest Oscar snub of all time. Emilio Estevez loses "Best Actor in a Motion Picture" to Al Pacino? I mean come on Academy, what has Al Pacino ever done in the world on cinema?
But enough about this travesty, D2: The Mighty Ducks rewarded Duck fans much more than a silly gold statue ever could. In this chapter of the trilogy, the Ducks-a lowly pee-wee hockey team in Minnesota- get asked to represent the United States of America in the upcoming Junior Olympics. If I had a nickel for every time I got asked to represent my country in the Olympics...
In all seriousness though, it seems as if the writer of D2-Steven Brill- accidentally drank his body weight in tequila while writing this script. That or he completely forgot when his deadline was, and stayed up all night writing whatever came into his head. These are the only two credible ways I can think of how this movie came to be. I know the first one did pretty well at the box office, but this storyline is borderline unacceptable.
So you have a group of eight kids from Minnesota- most of who could barely skate in the first movie- who will now be playing in the Junior Olympics. The Ducks do get some colorful new teammates, each with their own unique skill sets, to make them a better team, and more fun to watch.
There is also the birth of the "Bash Brothers" in D2. Fulton Reed and Dean Portman are the Duck's peanut butter and jelly. These two big and brazen teenagers look like they're at least five years older than the other kids on the team, but they don't check birth certificates in the Junior Olympics, so no worries there.
Of course, there must be a villain in the movie, which in this case is the team from Iceland, and their coach, Wolf "The Dentist" Stansson. I always wondered how Iceland was decided on as the villainous nation. I've done some research (thanks Wikipedia!) and have realized that the nation of Iceland have never even played the U.S. team in men's hockey, let alone not have a single player in the NHL who was born in Iceland.
One of my favor scenes in the history of cinema has to be when Wolf squares off against Coach Bombay (Estevez) in front of the kids from each teams. If you've never seen the movie, do yourself a favor and check it out (fast forward to the 1:00 mark).
At the end of the movie, Iceland's best player, Gunnar Stahl, goes up against the Ducks' goalie, Julie "The Cat" Gaffney in a shootout with the gold medal on the line. Some how Coach Bombay knows what Stahl's move is going to be and tells Gaffney to bank on the triple deke to the glove side. Sure enough Stahl triple dekes and shots into Gaffeny's glove...a really suspenseful sequence.
Despite my noticeable hatred for this movie, I love it more than any reasonable human should. I mean what's not to love about this. I can't even get started on the knuckle-puck or my head might explode.